Attack of the Clones Review

I’m sure you’ve heard that this movie is bad. And oh my word, did you hear correctly. It’s really that bad, and if it’s not literally that’s bad, it’s pretty close. If it weren’t a Star Wars movie, maybe I’d go easier on it. But Star Wars is a classic example of cinematic greatness, and therefore I’m going to be a bit more harsh than I might otherwise be. Also I just enjoy criticizing things and being sarcastic, so expect a lot of negativity.

I’m not even going to bother with telling the story, I’m just going to go straight to the criticism. Hayden Christensen is horrible in this movie, probably even worse than you’ve heard. I do think he’s sort of underrated as an actor, but absolutely not in this movie. The only person who’s ever given a more wooden performance is Treebeard. I know, that’s like my worst pun ever. But it’s true. His acting is atrocious in this movie. Ewan McGregor is pretty terrible as well. He seems to do his best with what he’s given, but he doesn’t really nail the role until Revenge of the Sith. Natalie Portman is fine, as always, and the rest of the actors do a decent job.

It would be a crime to not mention that one of the largest problems with this movie is the dialogue. Oh my word, is it bad. The following are two actual lines from the movie. “I don’t like sand. It’s coarse, and rough, and irritating, and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything’s soft. And smooth.” “I’m haunted by the kiss that you should not have given me.” No, I’m entirely serious. That’s actually in the movie. George Lucas has always said he’s bad at writing dialogue, and apparently he’s right. The dialogue throughout the entire movie is horrible to the point that it distracts you from the plot. And that brings us to the plot. Honestly, on paper, I’m sure the plot looks fine. But its execution is terrible. At least 40 minutes of this movie consists of Anakin being awkward and Padme slowly and painfully falling in love with him. It’s so unnecessarily slow and dramatic that if you don’t begin to lose interest, you probably don’t have emotions. If you watch this movie, just skip every single scene with Padme and Anakin. I’m serious. You’ll thank me later. Secondly, we don’t even meet the main villain until about 2/3 of the way through the movie, and by that point half of the audience isn’t even going to care anymore. Those that do are going to be treated to a CGI-fest in the final battle that honestly looks like a video game cut scene.

Okay, I need to try to wrap this review up. The emotional moments that show Anakin “becoming” Darth Vader are just executed terribly. These should have been pivotal moments, but instead the audience is laughing at the dialogue, and/or Christensen’s performance. The plot seems to just be all over the place, and the pacing is pretty terrible. For every taste we get of action, we get another 10 minutes of what is literally possibly the worst love story in cinematic history. So, do I hate this movie? No. But it’s not a good one. While it can still be enjoyable if you skip about 40 minutes of it, it still just feels a bit disjointed, and it’s hard to look past how much potential is wasted. Is it the worst movie of all time? Absolutely not. But is it bad? Yeah, definitely. So, in the end, I’m going to give Attack of the Clones 3 out of 5 stars. Only watch it if you’re doing a Star Wars marathon or you just want to experience its few fun moments.